Just breathe....

My exam is tomorrow. I have tried my best to keep away from this site for the last month to avoid distracting myself, and to avoid inundating you with my woes. I can't wait for tomorrow night to be here. I still don't feel remotely ready, but I really can't stand the feeling of having this hanging over my head anymore. I did not hit any of the goals I had for this study period, but it is what it is. I'm hoping that something will work out somehow. I probably shouldn't sound so flippant about something that plays such a big role in determining my future career, but this is the only way I know to keep myself together for the moment. I just want to be done with it. Tomorrow, I'll just try my best and see how it goes I guess!


Was going to do an audio post, but I don't know if I would have sounded coherent or been able to string reasonable sentences together. I have spent the last month, I'm convinced, traumatizing people's children. I've looked like a hobo on one too many occasions! The other day, I got to the public library only to discover that I was wearing my 'special socks' - purple stripes, crossbones, multicolored patches - you get the picture, with my house slippers. This was paired, by the way with some oversize grey sweatpants - that just happened to be missing the drawstring - a shapeless purple sweater and a jacket missing a middle button. I really don't know how I happened to leave the house looking like that, lol. I went to the grocery store to get energy drinks on that same day, and I almost had to go over and close some lady's mouth for her. She was standing by her car, just staring at me in horror. But the lady kukuma can't she try to control her expression sef? I wanted to bust into a rendition of "Ain't Nobody Got Time for That" a la Sweet Brown (by the way, if you haven't seen this, here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFEoMO0pc7k. you're welcome, lol), but I decided that would guarantee me a ride to the psych equiv of the ER over here - bad for my rep seeing as I worked there for a bit not too long ago.
Summary: If you come across some crazy looking person wearing mismatched clothes/old 9ja clothes in your Walmart parking lot, it just might be me. Treat me with kindness, please.

Speaking of hospitals, I've had to continue on with my one of my rotations throughout this "off" period, and boy have I met some interesting people! A few weeks ago, I was shadowing my preceptor, and we were running somewhat behind schedule. While we're in a patient room, we hear a patient in the next room yelling and carrying on about how he's annoyed because he hasn't been attended to (which was somewhat understandable, but he was kinda overreacting). We get in to see him and after basically yelling for a bit he gets to his problem. He says he has a boil in his "nether regions" and goes into graphic detail about how he puts his hand there and gets so much pus. He also says that if it's not attended to at the moment, he's going to go home an jab whatever he can into it to take care of it himself, and that he might even use a knife (See what I said about overreacting?). We inspect his butt for the boil, and if you see the tiny spot...not to say that it couldn't have been a huge problem in the past, but considering the agaracha we had to endure today, that was not expected. And by the way, when he dropped his pants, he turned to me and told me, "you've been enjoying all this haven't you? Guess you have no problems and are just enjoying the show." Erm...I think not sir. Yeah, the most we could do was give him some meds and try to make sure he wouldn't take a knife to his butt. And he did complain some more and blame "the system" and "the man." *smh*

Well, I think I have rambled enough....will be back when I'm a reasonable, sane, coherent person. I've had a good distraction from my exam stress, which was my goal :)

Wish me luck, send me positive vibes and prayers, I'll definitely need them!!!

Ka odi nu

Testing Microphone: My first - and rather random - audiopost

Ka Odi Nu

When It Rains, It Pours....

Just when I'd started out the week on a good note, just when I thought things were taking a turn for the better, everything is just taking a turn for the worse.

School issues back at the forefront...insurance cancelled without telling me, so now have to go through a whole lotta mess with DMV...Roommate about to bail on me 2 days before we're set to move in. What am I supposed to do? I'm just quite stressed.

In the midst of all this craziness, I get the worst news of all...my uncle died on Monday night. I'm so sad that he went through all that suffering and died still suffering. Fate couldn't even afford him a peaceful death. I'm so sad and just can't even get my head toghether to properly write about it.

I haven't cried about it. Maybe I really do have a heart of stone. People I know die and I don't cry. People I don't know cry and I don't cry either. Last time I had a shift at the ER for school and while there, a baby died right in front of me. Right after I helped do compressions on her tiny chest. People around me were crying but I just had dry eyes. The ER doc was so so worried about me because it was the first time I'd ever seen a person die, and a baby too? I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

I need to get my head out of this space. I haven't been able to focus or keep my head straight. So much for maximizing the week for study till I had to get back to school.

This, too, surely has to pass.

Ka Odi Nu

It Sure Has Been A While...

I don't know if I should continue to apologize...I realized today that I've had this blog for 4 years and yet somehow have never made it to the post goal that I had initially wanted: 100 posts *smh, such an epic fail* For the 1 or 2 people who still care to read, despite my sporadic posts, I apologize! Forgive me please!


I had to take a break and decided to put up a little post to de-stress, because I've been under an incredible amount of stress. Sources of stress: MEDICAL SCHOOL and friends/family.


I'd told myself I wouldn't post by whining about school stress (I'm sure this sentence sounds oh so very familiar by now), but it's taking over my life! I feel like every other sentence out of my mouth these days is a complaint, and at least 90% of the complaints are about school. I'm happy that I survived 2nd year, though barely due to a mix of a severe bout of a viral illness and a crazy pathology shelf exam. Someone up there must REALLY love me though, because I sure did make it!

Now the latest craziness is my STEP1 exam. I'm so ridiculously stressed, have the date for now set pretty soon, KNOW I'm not ready. I tried to reschedule but some people at my clinical campus for 3rd year are just not working with me at all. After all, according to one of the head honchos over there, "there are so many things you can do in general practice with a passing grade, and if you fail, you have till next year to provide us a passing grade." Really though? How do you know I want to go into general practice? Way to work on crushing a person's spirit there ma'am. I'm just trying really hard not to worry about it, but kinda hard though when your whole FUTURE is on the line. Oh well, waiting to see what will happen, will found out by Wednesday. Please keep me in your prayers!

It's been a semi-crazy summer with the line-up of pure kolo including, but not limited to: kidnapped relative; being turned down for loan application thrice (this, by the way, is after the scholarship money I was supposed to get mysteriously couldn't be gotten any more...person processing it attacked by thieves, money mysteriously missing from the agency supposed to provide it- *smh* at Nigerian involvement); a very close relative on the verge of death because apparently the Nigerian doctors have sent him home to die with a belly full of ascites, edema, and all kinds of other problems...b/c they are "out of space/options". Even if he is terminal, ever here of palliative care? Don't get me started on that though...can go all day on that, and I just can't afford to be depressed right now; Best friend ever being set up by someone, currently going through hell with immigration/legal/financial battle - feel horrible because I can't even help in any way - story for another time.

Yeah, it's been a kinda rough summer. Sorry if I sound like I immersed in self pity, but I haven't talked about it all summer with anyone, I just needed to unburden. I was chatting with a friend the other day and his biggest issue was about this girl that he likes and had kinda asked out but didn't know what to do. I know it sounds petty, but all I could think was "Really dude, that's your BIGGEST problem right now?" Really I just couldn't. Okay so maybe part of it had to do with the fact that said dude has been toying with my emotions for the longest and yet expects me to be the happiest for him. Really? Oh well, story for another day.

So I have just indulged in some long awaited - on my part - logorrhea. I feel so much better!

Ka Odi nu

P.S I have to say a BIG thank you to this amazing lady: Madame Sting I don't know how I would kept my sanity these last few days without her encouragement :)

P.P.S Can someone teach me how to audioblog? I'm thinking that might help me in those times when I want to blog, but am too lazy/tired to. Pretty please?

P.P.P.S I'll get out of my depressive funk soon. I hope. I just need to get through this present kolo

It Ain't Easy...

The title of what used to be one of my fave Tupac songs is a wonderful representation of how I feel about life right about now. [By the way, did I ever tell you I used to be a big Tupac fans...okay so I started because I was copying my big bro, and then I started relating to some of the lyrics...what can I say, I was an interesting teenager on the DL. Okay end Side note].

I'm back to the craziness, and man has the time been flying! This unit is the craziest one so far...who knew those little kidneys could cause so much craziness and hold such a wealth of information? Add in the fact that I have my microbiology (truly the devil's own subject) shelf exams 2 days after my unit exam, and I'm just weak. Na who send me??!!

I just registered for my step 1 exam, so now I have a date, and I'm trying really hard not to freak myself completely. I need prayers y'all!

It hasn't been all crazy though...one of my classes has a lot of clinical experience built in, so sometimes it's good to get away from the books. i had urology yesterday, and it was quite interesting....more than I thought it woud be. Apart from an awkward moment with one patient and seeing a traumatizing manifestion of elephantiasis (it's a urology clinic, try to imagine where the swelling and edema was...this was just not right...I will tell you when next I blog), it seems like something I wouldn't mind doing.

I have the best roommate ever! I enjoy just having times when I need to relax, and she's very good at talking with me and just helping me get my mind of the craziness! Her man-crazy imagination/ways make me laugh *smh* I must tell you about this at some point. The family is more peaceful too these days, so that's good too. My support system is more awesome than ever at the moment, and I love it!

I realize I have been rambling...honestly I'm in a class that I have to been in, but I can't focus, and I dunno what's he's talking about so I decided to update =)

I should be back with some thing more organized at some future date!

Jishi nu ike my people!

It’s Been A Long Year….

Ndi Blogsville, E kenem unu o!

I know it has been ages since I last blogged….I feel like I always have to start a blog post with an apology because I never seem to post anything anymore. Anyways, I know you're that awesome and you'll forgive me =)

I've been wanting to post for a while now, but I've been hindered by a lot of things…time, school, changing my mind about things I wrote, not knowing if I had the courage to post some things I wrote, etc. I've just been grateful for my journal and some choice friends when times have been especially rough with me =)

First off, I must thank Ms. Mizchief…she wrote me a very much needed e-mail when I was going through my mini crisis this summer. I so needed it, and I'm so happy she took the time out to send me just what I needed. Daalu! I guess it's true that things sometimes have to hit that absolute low point, that point at which you have nowhere left to go but upward for things to get better. I definitely experienced that. I must say, this summer was a rough one for me…and the funny thing is I wasn't even the one directly affected by most of the events. It's just that when you live in a place with no peace, and you've already under an enormous amount of emotional stress, well you begin to let things affect you a lot more that they should. I'm happy to report that my parents are WORKING on their issues…I mean everything isn't all rosy now, but it's a helluva lot better than it was this summer. I think both my parents got to that low point and had some revelations from that: my mum stood up for herself a little more, and my dad realized that he couldn't keep accusing her of not making changes; he needed to make some changes too. I'm just happy for them and happy they're trying to get through stuff together.

On the other hand, there seems to be a little bit of a gap between me and my dad now…I don't know why and I can't explain it. I guess we need to work through some things I guess. I think he's disappointed about some decisions I've made and some things he thinks I've done. I don't know why, but for the first time I'm not on tenterhooks and trying desperately to fix everything. I was really sad about it for a while, but I'm giving him his space and I know he'll bring it up because that's his nature: My dad will NEVER talk to you about anything unless HE is ready to talk about it. My going to him really won't change anything. (Ugh, this post sounds depressing already…totally not what I had in mind).

So what else has been going on? I think my dear Madame Sting has been describing a huge portion of my life quite well. Second year of med school is a killer! I swear they're trying to kill people's kids. It's like they're trying to make us regret deciding on this career path. I have questioned my sanity many times in the last few months and I've been amazed by the tremendous change in some people (not all positive either).*musing to self* Ah, if only my back plan to be a roadside tomato seller would pay for these loans I took out *sigh* I don't know how it's going to work but something has got to give…I don't appreciate working more AND failing more…o gini? E jim ha ugwo? I'm still grateful to be done with half of 2^nd year though! I'm terrified of the latter half, but I know I'll pull through somehow. I'm finally starting to prepare for the dreaded boards…y'all pray for me!

I have the hugest crush on this one boy whom I swear must know about it because he is constantly playing with my emotions. It cracks me up sometimes that he tries to act all innocent when he knows for a fact that he's up to something. I have tried to convince myself that it must be my ongoing infatuation with him that has me misinterpreting many things, but I sat and read our chats the other day (in an effort to blast myself into reality) and I'm convinced I'm not imagining things. I have been – quite successfully per my friend (and me) learning and training in the art of poker face. I must not be caught with a moony expression on my face! More coming on the story of my crushes soon.

I have become hooked on Korean Dramas! I happened to watch one series and I just became hooked. That was all I did when I wasn't shadowing this summer. It real helped me remove myself from a lot of the unnecessary drama going on in my house. I swear these people are hilarious! Is anyone else hooked? Because I need recommendations, tee-hee.

Oh well my people, I gotta run. I know this has been an extremely random post…I just felt the need to update, no matter how short it's be. I might be back with a continuation later =).

Be well, and compliments of the season!

Jishu nu Ike!

Love You Baby.

Three little words. Not that important right? How much of an impact could they have? Probably not much, right? The answers to these questions are still pending.

Why are these words worth a blog post, you ask? First off, because I saw them in a text message from someone whom I know has an exceptionally hard time expressing himself emotionally -especially if it is a romantic emotion - to anyone: my dad.

Secondly, aforementioned text message was sent, NOT to my mum, but to another woman living in another country, heck another continent. Stranger still, this message was a reply to one from said lady telling him 2 numbers to contact with and a passcode. there was nothing else in her 'cryptic' text.

For the last couple of hours, I have tried to convince myself otherwise, and I've tried to come up with reasons why such an exchange was on my dad's phone. "Someone used his cell phone." "It's some relative of ours, I just don't know her." "I'm completely misreading this situation."
Try as hard as I might though, I haven't been able to satisfactorily say that my proposed answers are the right ones for my question.

Stranger still, why was my dad telling this woman where he went for the weekend and when he'd be back? He didn't even tell us that. Furthermore, who took the pictures of him smiling on the tourist boat at the place he went to this weekend.

I'll cut to the chase. I need someone to tell me that my father is not cheating on my mum. I need someone to tell me this because I don't know what I'll do if it's true. If such a thing has happened, I don't know how I'm going to hold the already fragile and destabilized pieces of myself together. And my mum's emotional and physical state it about 100x worse than mine is, so I don't even want to think about that.

We just came back - my dad and I - from the ER where I've been all day with my mum. She's really ill, and no one will tell me what's wrong with her. And everyone that called today has blamed me or accused me of standing by and watching my mum slowly die. Needless to say, it was a long silent walk home. My dad knows something is wrong with me, but he thinks it's just b/c mum is in the hospital.

This has been the worst ending to a day EVER. And the most painful thing is I can't talk to the two people I'd ordinarily talk to about it. I'm really hurt right now, and my heart it hurting, and I'm trying really hard - unsuccessfully - not to cry.

I'll stop rambling. I don't no what else to say.