Neuroscience...

...is the devil. That is all.

Dear P,

I'm still in shock right now...I truly don't know what to say or think.
I didn't want to go to Facebook this night; I had just posted a YouTube video, and I was bound and determined not to go to FB, but I did. I don't know why.

I'd been wondering why you weren't my friend on FB, and I made up my mind to add you. So how come I got on FB, and my newsfeed had a message from W asking that we pray for your soul? I told myself it was a coincidence. There were many people named P after all. I sent my friend request. I was sad that another nameless, faceless person had lost her life.

So please tell me P, how is it that I came back a few minutes later and there were messages on your wall, message with words that heaven and soul, and worst of all, rest in peace? How could it be you P? I still didn't want to believe it, but when I saw the missed call from A, I knew I had to stop lying to myself.

I spoke with A, and she told what had happened; he told me how your death was all over the evening news. She told me about the sense of disbelief hanging in the atmosphere down there. People who'd just talked to you last night, people like me who'd read a funny comment you posted on FB, people who'd seen you recently. How could a life be snatched away so soon?

We weren't the best of friends, but I admired you P. You were always so calm and so friendly. You always had a big smile on your face. Whenever I was around you and B, I knew you'd have a good time.

Death is truly no respecter of persons because if he knew who you were and how important you were to some, he'd have walked away from you yesterday afternoon. He would have thought about B - you were always her rock through thick and thin; you were essential in getting her through her mom's death just last year. You were supposed to be her family at her graduation, coming up in 3 weeks. He would have thought about your mum - she'd just buried your sister not too long ago, and you'd joined her in taking responsibility for your orphaned nieces and nephews. Death would have thought about your nieces and nephews and the loss they'd feel.
Instead,He chose to take a wonderful, wonderful person like you.

I know I'm rambling right now, but I can't get over it.

Rest in the bosom of the Lord P. You will be sorely missed, even by people like me whom you inspired even from afar.

P,
"May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friend.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in."
- Hear You Me, Jimmy Eat World

Adieu P, you left too soon;
Adieu P, we mourn and pray for you.

Thai Food and Gareth Gates

So in the midst of my being extremely foolish and not studying like I should, I decided I was craving something different and decided to get Thai food. I’d had enough of rice so I decided to get noodles. I was feeling like a G and decided to make my food spicy.
I told the lady at the counter “Please make it very spicy!”
She responded “Hot or Extra Hot?”
I was thinking in my mind “Didn’t this woman hear very spicy? Mschew” but I actually said “Extra hot.”
She asked me again, “Extra hot?? It’s very spicy are you sure you can handle it?” By now the conversation was getting too old for me. I sha eventually got my extra hot noodles and left.

My people, biggest mistake ever! That Thai food became the cause of my pain and misery! After my mouth survived being one step away from numb…my bum took over the pain from where my mouth stopped. Don’t laugh at me now….it’s not funny that I’m here thinking about. Shebi, according to Gareth Gates:
“I know I’ve been such a fool
Giving in to temptation
When I should’ve played it cool
The situation got out of hand
I hope you understand:

It can happen to.. Anyone of us, anyone you think of; anyone can fall…’cause I made a stupid mistake”
-Anyone of Us, Gareth Gates

He sure got it right! That was a stupid mistake. And while you’re busy laughing at me, remember that it can happen to “anyone of us.” Don’t say I did not warn you o!
Seriously, if someone offers you extra hot Thai noodles, that person is most likely your enemy. Run, run far away!

Wanna know something possibly more stupid? I have leftovers. Can you tell where I’m heading with this???
Ka Odi Nu

iLove...

my younger brother with all my heart. It seems that he just instinctively knows when to call and cheer me up. I was not having the best day, but just talking with my bro has made me feel so much better!

So,
even though you can be a huge pest
even though you can be ridiculously (and sometimes annoyingly) overprotective
even though you have delusions of 'thuggish behaviors'
even though you can be ridiculously stubborn
even though you are VERY weird
even though sometimes I absolutely cannot fathom you
even though you feel the need to pretend that you aren't a sensitive soul
and even though this would embarrass you a LOT if you ever got to read it,

I have to say it: I LOVE YOU bro-bro. You make me happy. You make me smile. You give me warm, fuzzy, big-sister-ly feelings.

Your sis.

P.S I really need not to blog about my brothers' antics some time. I love my bros (all 3 of them!); Now back to my TDB study session.

Ka Odi Nu

I Have

A problem...I have an addiction and I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of being steeped in denial; I'm tired of justifying it; I'm tired of internalizing and finding ways to suppress my feelings of guilt.

Lately, the tightly placed covers can not hold it in anymore; they are starting to bow to the pressure. Slowly this thing is creeping out, seeping into the other well ordered aspects of my life and tainting them. My boundaries are no longer clearly defined, they have been disturbed in the worst way possibly.

My denial can longer find explanations for a complete loss of common sense; I can no longer explain jeopardizing things that should have a higher priority, things I worked hard for, for that matter.

I thought I'd gotten through this...why is my will not strong enough??! I'm so conflicted about this.

I have an addiction, and I don't know what to do.

Is it selfish then, or self-defeating that I'm too ashamed to talk about this still? I guess I need to write this out, to face myself with this truth so I can stop internalizing it and lying to myself.

I'm sorry I can't really talk about it yet. I don't have my journal right now, and this is the next best thing.