It’s Been A Long Year….

Ndi Blogsville, E kenem unu o!

I know it has been ages since I last blogged….I feel like I always have to start a blog post with an apology because I never seem to post anything anymore. Anyways, I know you're that awesome and you'll forgive me =)

I've been wanting to post for a while now, but I've been hindered by a lot of things…time, school, changing my mind about things I wrote, not knowing if I had the courage to post some things I wrote, etc. I've just been grateful for my journal and some choice friends when times have been especially rough with me =)

First off, I must thank Ms. Mizchief…she wrote me a very much needed e-mail when I was going through my mini crisis this summer. I so needed it, and I'm so happy she took the time out to send me just what I needed. Daalu! I guess it's true that things sometimes have to hit that absolute low point, that point at which you have nowhere left to go but upward for things to get better. I definitely experienced that. I must say, this summer was a rough one for me…and the funny thing is I wasn't even the one directly affected by most of the events. It's just that when you live in a place with no peace, and you've already under an enormous amount of emotional stress, well you begin to let things affect you a lot more that they should. I'm happy to report that my parents are WORKING on their issues…I mean everything isn't all rosy now, but it's a helluva lot better than it was this summer. I think both my parents got to that low point and had some revelations from that: my mum stood up for herself a little more, and my dad realized that he couldn't keep accusing her of not making changes; he needed to make some changes too. I'm just happy for them and happy they're trying to get through stuff together.

On the other hand, there seems to be a little bit of a gap between me and my dad now…I don't know why and I can't explain it. I guess we need to work through some things I guess. I think he's disappointed about some decisions I've made and some things he thinks I've done. I don't know why, but for the first time I'm not on tenterhooks and trying desperately to fix everything. I was really sad about it for a while, but I'm giving him his space and I know he'll bring it up because that's his nature: My dad will NEVER talk to you about anything unless HE is ready to talk about it. My going to him really won't change anything. (Ugh, this post sounds depressing already…totally not what I had in mind).

So what else has been going on? I think my dear Madame Sting has been describing a huge portion of my life quite well. Second year of med school is a killer! I swear they're trying to kill people's kids. It's like they're trying to make us regret deciding on this career path. I have questioned my sanity many times in the last few months and I've been amazed by the tremendous change in some people (not all positive either).*musing to self* Ah, if only my back plan to be a roadside tomato seller would pay for these loans I took out *sigh* I don't know how it's going to work but something has got to give…I don't appreciate working more AND failing more…o gini? E jim ha ugwo? I'm still grateful to be done with half of 2^nd year though! I'm terrified of the latter half, but I know I'll pull through somehow. I'm finally starting to prepare for the dreaded boards…y'all pray for me!

I have the hugest crush on this one boy whom I swear must know about it because he is constantly playing with my emotions. It cracks me up sometimes that he tries to act all innocent when he knows for a fact that he's up to something. I have tried to convince myself that it must be my ongoing infatuation with him that has me misinterpreting many things, but I sat and read our chats the other day (in an effort to blast myself into reality) and I'm convinced I'm not imagining things. I have been – quite successfully per my friend (and me) learning and training in the art of poker face. I must not be caught with a moony expression on my face! More coming on the story of my crushes soon.

I have become hooked on Korean Dramas! I happened to watch one series and I just became hooked. That was all I did when I wasn't shadowing this summer. It real helped me remove myself from a lot of the unnecessary drama going on in my house. I swear these people are hilarious! Is anyone else hooked? Because I need recommendations, tee-hee.

Oh well my people, I gotta run. I know this has been an extremely random post…I just felt the need to update, no matter how short it's be. I might be back with a continuation later =).

Be well, and compliments of the season!

Jishu nu Ike!

Love You Baby.

Three little words. Not that important right? How much of an impact could they have? Probably not much, right? The answers to these questions are still pending.

Why are these words worth a blog post, you ask? First off, because I saw them in a text message from someone whom I know has an exceptionally hard time expressing himself emotionally -especially if it is a romantic emotion - to anyone: my dad.

Secondly, aforementioned text message was sent, NOT to my mum, but to another woman living in another country, heck another continent. Stranger still, this message was a reply to one from said lady telling him 2 numbers to contact with and a passcode. there was nothing else in her 'cryptic' text.

For the last couple of hours, I have tried to convince myself otherwise, and I've tried to come up with reasons why such an exchange was on my dad's phone. "Someone used his cell phone." "It's some relative of ours, I just don't know her." "I'm completely misreading this situation."
Try as hard as I might though, I haven't been able to satisfactorily say that my proposed answers are the right ones for my question.

Stranger still, why was my dad telling this woman where he went for the weekend and when he'd be back? He didn't even tell us that. Furthermore, who took the pictures of him smiling on the tourist boat at the place he went to this weekend.

I'll cut to the chase. I need someone to tell me that my father is not cheating on my mum. I need someone to tell me this because I don't know what I'll do if it's true. If such a thing has happened, I don't know how I'm going to hold the already fragile and destabilized pieces of myself together. And my mum's emotional and physical state it about 100x worse than mine is, so I don't even want to think about that.

We just came back - my dad and I - from the ER where I've been all day with my mum. She's really ill, and no one will tell me what's wrong with her. And everyone that called today has blamed me or accused me of standing by and watching my mum slowly die. Needless to say, it was a long silent walk home. My dad knows something is wrong with me, but he thinks it's just b/c mum is in the hospital.

This has been the worst ending to a day EVER. And the most painful thing is I can't talk to the two people I'd ordinarily talk to about it. I'm really hurt right now, and my heart it hurting, and I'm trying really hard - unsuccessfully - not to cry.

I'll stop rambling. I don't no what else to say.

Tired

I must apologize first of all, been away too long and this definitely isn't how I planned to break the silence.

I feel sooo tired right now...my break so far has definitely NOT proceeded according to plan. All I've had to deal with is a whole bunch of drama; everyone seems to be avoiding/not talking to everyone else. It's so tiring.
And you know how it is when you live with your parents: you love them but they drive you crazy. I'm certainly living proof of that. My dad especially...Lord bless that man though.

Currently tired because I have been waiting in this ER for like 5 hours now, my mum is sick. And boy, is my mum a stubborn woman! Just realized that recently. That a whole post coming up just for my mama.

Also tired of nobody telling me anything. So I just found out my dad was hit by a car not too long ago and nobody told anyone. My dad barely got himself to tell my mum. Seriously?? I get more frustrated when people bring up things I wasn't told about in conversation like I should know about it. I get even more frustrated when said conversation is a lecture on things I've apparently done wrong.

I'm tired of death. I feel like one to many people I know have died within the last 2 years. It is just that the older you get, the more people you know, so the more people you know die? I can't understand it, and this was a theory I tried to use to explain it. My friend's dad died not too long ago. He was just buried on Friday, just 2 days before father's day. I was sad for her yesterday. I tried to imagine how she felt, being on Facebook, reading all those messages. I realized that it's so easy to tell someone to not think about death, to tell them to ''celebrate the life'' of their late loved one, but it really is easier said than done *heavy sigh*

I'm tired of this feeling of sadness, of unaccomplishment that seems to be afflicting almost everyone in my house. It's like a dark cloud, like in cartoons when rain falls over one house when the sun is shining everywhere else.

I'm just really tired.

Ka odi nu.

Neuroscience...

...is the devil. That is all.

Dear P,

I'm still in shock right now...I truly don't know what to say or think.
I didn't want to go to Facebook this night; I had just posted a YouTube video, and I was bound and determined not to go to FB, but I did. I don't know why.

I'd been wondering why you weren't my friend on FB, and I made up my mind to add you. So how come I got on FB, and my newsfeed had a message from W asking that we pray for your soul? I told myself it was a coincidence. There were many people named P after all. I sent my friend request. I was sad that another nameless, faceless person had lost her life.

So please tell me P, how is it that I came back a few minutes later and there were messages on your wall, message with words that heaven and soul, and worst of all, rest in peace? How could it be you P? I still didn't want to believe it, but when I saw the missed call from A, I knew I had to stop lying to myself.

I spoke with A, and she told what had happened; he told me how your death was all over the evening news. She told me about the sense of disbelief hanging in the atmosphere down there. People who'd just talked to you last night, people like me who'd read a funny comment you posted on FB, people who'd seen you recently. How could a life be snatched away so soon?

We weren't the best of friends, but I admired you P. You were always so calm and so friendly. You always had a big smile on your face. Whenever I was around you and B, I knew you'd have a good time.

Death is truly no respecter of persons because if he knew who you were and how important you were to some, he'd have walked away from you yesterday afternoon. He would have thought about B - you were always her rock through thick and thin; you were essential in getting her through her mom's death just last year. You were supposed to be her family at her graduation, coming up in 3 weeks. He would have thought about your mum - she'd just buried your sister not too long ago, and you'd joined her in taking responsibility for your orphaned nieces and nephews. Death would have thought about your nieces and nephews and the loss they'd feel.
Instead,He chose to take a wonderful, wonderful person like you.

I know I'm rambling right now, but I can't get over it.

Rest in the bosom of the Lord P. You will be sorely missed, even by people like me whom you inspired even from afar.

P,
"May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friend.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in."
- Hear You Me, Jimmy Eat World

Adieu P, you left too soon;
Adieu P, we mourn and pray for you.

Thai Food and Gareth Gates

So in the midst of my being extremely foolish and not studying like I should, I decided I was craving something different and decided to get Thai food. I’d had enough of rice so I decided to get noodles. I was feeling like a G and decided to make my food spicy.
I told the lady at the counter “Please make it very spicy!”
She responded “Hot or Extra Hot?”
I was thinking in my mind “Didn’t this woman hear very spicy? Mschew” but I actually said “Extra hot.”
She asked me again, “Extra hot?? It’s very spicy are you sure you can handle it?” By now the conversation was getting too old for me. I sha eventually got my extra hot noodles and left.

My people, biggest mistake ever! That Thai food became the cause of my pain and misery! After my mouth survived being one step away from numb…my bum took over the pain from where my mouth stopped. Don’t laugh at me now….it’s not funny that I’m here thinking about. Shebi, according to Gareth Gates:
“I know I’ve been such a fool
Giving in to temptation
When I should’ve played it cool
The situation got out of hand
I hope you understand:

It can happen to.. Anyone of us, anyone you think of; anyone can fall…’cause I made a stupid mistake”
-Anyone of Us, Gareth Gates

He sure got it right! That was a stupid mistake. And while you’re busy laughing at me, remember that it can happen to “anyone of us.” Don’t say I did not warn you o!
Seriously, if someone offers you extra hot Thai noodles, that person is most likely your enemy. Run, run far away!

Wanna know something possibly more stupid? I have leftovers. Can you tell where I’m heading with this???
Ka Odi Nu

iLove...

my younger brother with all my heart. It seems that he just instinctively knows when to call and cheer me up. I was not having the best day, but just talking with my bro has made me feel so much better!

So,
even though you can be a huge pest
even though you can be ridiculously (and sometimes annoyingly) overprotective
even though you have delusions of 'thuggish behaviors'
even though you can be ridiculously stubborn
even though you are VERY weird
even though sometimes I absolutely cannot fathom you
even though you feel the need to pretend that you aren't a sensitive soul
and even though this would embarrass you a LOT if you ever got to read it,

I have to say it: I LOVE YOU bro-bro. You make me happy. You make me smile. You give me warm, fuzzy, big-sister-ly feelings.

Your sis.

P.S I really need not to blog about my brothers' antics some time. I love my bros (all 3 of them!); Now back to my TDB study session.

Ka Odi Nu

I Have

A problem...I have an addiction and I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of being steeped in denial; I'm tired of justifying it; I'm tired of internalizing and finding ways to suppress my feelings of guilt.

Lately, the tightly placed covers can not hold it in anymore; they are starting to bow to the pressure. Slowly this thing is creeping out, seeping into the other well ordered aspects of my life and tainting them. My boundaries are no longer clearly defined, they have been disturbed in the worst way possibly.

My denial can longer find explanations for a complete loss of common sense; I can no longer explain jeopardizing things that should have a higher priority, things I worked hard for, for that matter.

I thought I'd gotten through this...why is my will not strong enough??! I'm so conflicted about this.

I have an addiction, and I don't know what to do.

Is it selfish then, or self-defeating that I'm too ashamed to talk about this still? I guess I need to write this out, to face myself with this truth so I can stop internalizing it and lying to myself.

I'm sorry I can't really talk about it yet. I don't have my journal right now, and this is the next best thing.

Random

Hey! I was going to blog about my long-promised story of crushes, but I had this one course that I hate today, and it especially stole the joy from my soul today. I can't tell the story of my crush woes in this angry frame of mind. So instead, a short random post instead.

I finally got New York plates for Baby Cam (that's my car) yesterday. Don't hate me NY lovers, but it was a sad day for me. I love yellow and all, but why do the plates have to come in this UGLY mustard yellow color?? I miss my old tag already.

I met some Ghanian guy named Dave yesterday, and that's the 3rd Ghanian Dave/David I know. Do Ghanians just really like this name?? He was quite an interesting individual...he started out by telling me he's from Africa with this ''posh'' accent, but immediately he found out I was Nigerian, the konk accent came out. Why do people like to form sha? Then he asked me if I was scared of him (Such a tangent and I was wondering why); he said most people are scared of him. After that I just decided to exit myself from there sharp sharp.

I have a major exam coming up next week. Last chance to redeem myself and make sure I'm not repeating 1st year. Very nervous right now. Y'all pray for me!!

I don't know if it's just my class, but why in the world do some people think they're geniuses, when they really aren't?? You know what? That's the subject for a full fledged rant post coming up...I just finally managed to start lowering my bp, don't want to increase it again because of some moronic behavior.

Also, why is the weather extra strange this year? One minute is freezing, next it's ridiculously hot. I was excited, even brought out some dresses, and now it's cold again =(

i have friend who has really bad BO, but I'm not close enough to him and I don't know how to broach the subject w/o causing offense. Any suggestions?? Can't do the birthday present thing, his birthday is too far away....

Well, lemme stop rambling. I'm still in the pain-inducing class right now...I just needed to get away for a little while. Back to reality now.

Ka Odi Nu

Dear 2011

You have been an interesting year, for lack of a better word. I deferred putting up a post earlier on because I was just filled with so much negativity.

2011, you started on a wrong note. I don't think I remember ever entering a new year just filled with so much anger and sadness...the worst thing about it? I couldn't explain why I was overreacting to the littlest things that in hindsight, weren't even supposed to warrant so much emotional investment.

Could it be because I was dealing with feelings of continued inferiority, like certain people had previously placed me on this pedestal, this ridiculously high place that I couldn't possibly acheive, and it seemed like they were finally beginning to see the truth?
Could it be because this holiday felt like all the joy had been sucked out of my house?? Who knows.

Anyway, as you progressed it just seemed things got worse...I was witnessing my family starting to disintegrate; the tape hastily placed over the cracks at our seams has slowly been coming off...my parents might as well be married in name only. For the first time I saw my dad have an emotional outburst related to this, and for him to say the things he said...I was amazed. I didn't know what to say, and the worst part is that I didn't know how to explain that I didn't agree with what he was saying (but that's for another post).

I lost some people that I least expected I would, I got increasly depressed, I damaged my relationship for God, and I'm fighting to get it back. I also started doing very bad in school, just because I wasn't working hard; seems like I lost all motivation and drive.

However, you have been surprising me greatly recently...it's like the whole time I was shaking my fist angrily at you, you were working hard undercover and shaking your head at my impatience and stupidity.

I've gone from failing and almost being put on an extended curriculum, to passing all but one class last unti, which just happened to be the most challenging one for me.

I didn't lose my baby cousin, even though we had such a bad scare...we thought he wouldn't live past his 1st birthday.

I've had been randomly walk up to me and pay me compliments and just generally make me feel cherished. Most importantly I've had the importance of making me happy re-impressed upon me. I've had less problems with people, and I'm not so down these days. I'm also in the fight to get right with God again =)

So, even though things aren't completely great on the home front, I'm not as worried anymore...and even though not everything is ideal, I'm not worried. Why? Because, my dear 2011, there's a good track record developing here. The most important lesson you've taught me: to grow up. You've infused some more much needed maturity in me, and you've put a little bit more resilience in me.

So even though I didn't think I would, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm happy I waited to post this. I like our path, and I hope it continue to be exactly this way, with more lessons learned.

Daalu!

P.S Forgive any blunders, typing from my phone...just needed to unburden my mind...will be back soonest =)