Monday, June 10, 2013

Thoughts in Silence

A little post to let someone out there in the universe who cares know I'm alive. I'm taking things a step at a time and trying to learn, to grow, to improve myself.

To be quite honest, I have felt rather purposeless a lot of the last couple of months. I have wondered why I tend to be an annoying Debbie Downer for no good reason. I have wondered why I can't be honest with myself. Through all this though, I'm still striving to improve. I know I've mentioned that before, and I know i'll mention it again. I need to focus on positivity, on improvement. I've had one to many "feeling worthless" moments recently. It's annoying because I have no idea why I feel this way. I should feel at least a tad bit content with what I have. Instead I find myself spending hours forcing myself to be happy.

I found myself thinking a couple of minutes ago that I'm 26 years old, and apart from a poorly planned career in Medicine, I feel like I don't have a lot going for me. I find myself increasingly envious of others, even when I logically think that I can't personally know the battles they may face or may have faced to get to where they are. Let me just tell you, Jealousy/Envy is an ugly, ugly emotion. Stay away from it if you can, it just drains so much joy from you. I find myself being incredibly passive-aggressive these days. I thought I was getting over it. I just don't know why I have all these negative emotions whirling inside me, especially when I thought I was getting better. I feel disgusted with a lot of things about me, but won't take the easy steps to fix them.

I know that tomorrow I might be back in that forcefully created happy place. Smile real hard. Watch cartoons. Sing silly songs at the top of your lungs - "Jitterbug." Dance around in the privacy of room where no probing eyes see, Briefly encounter what is not liked and suppress. Back to dancing. Make lovely noises on the phone. Smile at other happy people. Eat frozen yoghurt like I don't care.

Tomorrow I'll go back to all this. Back to my huge improvement quest. Grasp and hold onto Happiness with both hands as I dizzily spin around on it's crazy merry-go-round.

But tonight, I stay awake with my insomnia and face my true thoughts in this silent space. 

Ka Odi Nu

P.S  I know I basically rambled, but just had to clear my chest a little.

Friday, November 30, 2012

It's 5:21 am...

...and I'm really stressed out. I'm in full pre-exam panic mode. This isn't exactly helped by the fact that I have insomnia, which has lead to a splitting headache and the headache is exacerbated by having some king of illness since yesterday- allergies vs. cold, dunno (and in  of my mind thinking shouldn't I be able to diagnose this?) - and I possible have stress induced diarrhea/hyperactive bowels alternating with constipation. Been sneezing so hard I'm having those tiny 'spots/stars' in my summary, trying very hard not to wallow in self pity because we all know that never accomplishes anything.

In the midst of this I decided to take a break and listen to music/look at old pictures since I can't call my parents this early, and I realized that I really had a huge head as a kid. Funny bcause I call my brothers 'big head' all the time. Denial is a hell of a thing huh?

Feel a tad bit better the little things that help :) Can't nap anyways, so I guess I'm gonna tryto squeeze a little bit more info into my teeny brain. Forgive my rambling, this is the product of extreme stress abd trying to cope with it in a non-self pitying way....

Sai Anjuma

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Study Break!

I have my internal medicine shelf on Friday, and since I would rather walk over hot coals and slowly jab pins in my upper eyelids than read another words in MKSAP right at this moment, I decided to come blog!

I have been having an okay time of things in this last rotation, I guess. I've of course had moments where I continuously questioned my sanity and really wished that I wasn't in so much debt that I was stuck in medicine, but I genuinely think that something related to internal medicine might just be for me. I enjoy talking to people a lot (I mean, does it really get better than running my mouth all day and getting paid to do so? I think not!), and I think something about this last clerkship has struck a chord with me (/which is why I'm terrified I'll screw up this shelf exam and ruin all the hard work I put in...but suppressing such thoughts for now). Then again, this is just my second rotation so far, and I've enjoyed both of them, so who knows? As long as I don't end up being a greengrocer or pulling a Skype-from-the-village move, I think I'll be okay.

As you can probably tell, school is taking over my life, I have lost what little social skills I had, can absolutely not hold a decent conversation anymore, find myself sharing silly med student humor with people not even the slightest bit interested in it, and find myself bursting into inappropriate laughter, song, and conversation quite often theses days (yes, I choose to believe my sanity is intact and surely it must be the root-of-all-evil aka med school that is responsible for all my problems. Indulge me.) Thankfully my family is invested in the whole 'family-is-for-life' bit and are putting up with my crazy ways. My mum always makes the appropriate noises when I call to vent, bless her heart.

Well in other not-related-to-med-school news, I just noticed today that I've had only 5 posts this year. Five! I mean, I know I'm not a prolific writer by any stretch of the imagination, but this is just pitiful! I've had all these things swirling around in my brain, and somehow just never translated it to posts. I can't even blame it on not having time...I know many people much busier than I am who still write more than I do *smh* I need to come back and finish off all these ideas/semi-initiated projects I have.

Well, I'd love to ramble some more and stay steeped in denial, but I can't push off the studying any more. Please pray for me/send some positive thoughts/wishes/vibes if you read this. Thanks!

Ka odi nu!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Just breathe....

My exam is tomorrow. I have tried my best to keep away from this site for the last month to avoid distracting myself, and to avoid inundating you with my woes. I can't wait for tomorrow night to be here. I still don't feel remotely ready, but I really can't stand the feeling of having this hanging over my head anymore. I did not hit any of the goals I had for this study period, but it is what it is. I'm hoping that something will work out somehow. I probably shouldn't sound so flippant about something that plays such a big role in determining my future career, but this is the only way I know to keep myself together for the moment. I just want to be done with it. Tomorrow, I'll just try my best and see how it goes I guess!

Was going to do an audio post, but I don't know if I would have sounded coherent or been able to string reasonable sentences together. I have spent the last month, I'm convinced, traumatizing people's children. I've looked like a hobo on one too many occasions! The other day, I got to the public library only to discover that I was wearing my 'special socks' - purple stripes, crossbones, multicolored patches - you get the picture, with my house slippers. This was paired, by the way with some oversize grey sweatpants - that just happened to be missing the drawstring - a shapeless purple sweater and a jacket missing a middle button. I really don't know how I happened to leave the house looking like that, lol. I went to the grocery store to get energy drinks on that same day, and I almost had to go over and close some lady's mouth for her. She was standing by her car, just staring at me in horror. But the lady kukuma can't she try to control her expression sef? I wanted to bust into a rendition of "Ain't Nobody Got Time for That" a la Sweet Brown (by the way, if you haven't seen this, here's a link: you're welcome, lol), but I decided that would guarantee me a ride to the psych equiv of the ER over here - bad for my rep seeing as I worked there for a bit not too long ago.
Summary: If you come across some crazy looking person wearing mismatched clothes/old 9ja clothes in your Walmart parking lot, it just might be me. Treat me with kindness, please.

Speaking of hospitals, I've had to continue on with my one of my rotations throughout this "off" period, and boy have I met some interesting people! A few weeks ago, I was shadowing my preceptor, and we were running somewhat behind schedule. While we're in a patient room, we hear a patient in the next room yelling and carrying on about how he's annoyed because he hasn't been attended to (which was somewhat understandable, but he was kinda overreacting). We get in to see him and after basically yelling for a bit he gets to his problem. He says he has a boil in his "nether regions" and goes into graphic detail about how he puts his hand there and gets so much pus. He also says that if it's not attended to at the moment, he's going to go home an jab whatever he can into it to take care of it himself, and that he might even use a knife (See what I said about overreacting?). We inspect his butt for the boil, and if you see the tiny spot...not to say that it couldn't have been a huge problem in the past, but considering the agaracha we had to endure today, that was not expected. And by the way, when he dropped his pants, he turned to me and told me, "you've been enjoying all this haven't you? Guess you have no problems and are just enjoying the show." Erm...I think not sir. Yeah, the most we could do was give him some meds and try to make sure he wouldn't take a knife to his butt. And he did complain some more and blame "the system" and "the man." *smh*

Well, I think I have rambled enough....will be back when I'm a reasonable, sane, coherent person. I've had a good distraction from my exam stress, which was my goal :)

Wish me luck, send me positive vibes and prayers, I'll definitely need them!!!

Ka odi nu

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

When It Rains, It Pours....

Just when I'd started out the week on a good note, just when I thought things were taking a turn for the better, everything is just taking a turn for the worse.

School issues back at the cancelled without telling me, so now have to go through a whole lotta mess with DMV...Roommate about to bail on me 2 days before we're set to move in. What am I supposed to do? I'm just quite stressed.

In the midst of all this craziness, I get the worst news of uncle died on Monday night. I'm so sad that he went through all that suffering and died still suffering. Fate couldn't even afford him a peaceful death. I'm so sad and just can't even get my head toghether to properly write about it.

I haven't cried about it. Maybe I really do have a heart of stone. People I know die and I don't cry. People I don't know cry and I don't cry either. Last time I had a shift at the ER for school and while there, a baby died right in front of me. Right after I helped do compressions on her tiny chest. People around me were crying but I just had dry eyes. The ER doc was so so worried about me because it was the first time I'd ever seen a person die, and a baby too? I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

I need to get my head out of this space. I haven't been able to focus or keep my head straight. So much for maximizing the week for study till I had to get back to school.

This, too, surely has to pass.

Ka Odi Nu

Monday, June 18, 2012

It Sure Has Been A While...

I don't know if I should continue to apologize...I realized today that I've had this blog for 4 years and yet somehow have never made it to the post goal that I had initially wanted: 100 posts *smh, such an epic fail* For the 1 or 2 people who still care to read, despite my sporadic posts, I apologize! Forgive me please!

I had to take a break and decided to put up a little post to de-stress, because I've been under an incredible amount of stress. Sources of stress: MEDICAL SCHOOL and friends/family.

I'd told myself I wouldn't post by whining about school stress (I'm sure this sentence sounds oh so very familiar by now), but it's taking over my life! I feel like every other sentence out of my mouth these days is a complaint, and at least 90% of the complaints are about school. I'm happy that I survived 2nd year, though barely due to a mix of a severe bout of a viral illness and a crazy pathology shelf exam. Someone up there must REALLY love me though, because I sure did make it!

Now the latest craziness is my STEP1 exam. I'm so ridiculously stressed, have the date for now set pretty soon, KNOW I'm not ready. I tried to reschedule but some people at my clinical campus for 3rd year are just not working with me at all. After all, according to one of the head honchos over there, "there are so many things you can do in general practice with a passing grade, and if you fail, you have till next year to provide us a passing grade." Really though? How do you know I want to go into general practice? Way to work on crushing a person's spirit there ma'am. I'm just trying really hard not to worry about it, but kinda hard though when your whole FUTURE is on the line. Oh well, waiting to see what will happen, will found out by Wednesday. Please keep me in your prayers!

It's been a semi-crazy summer with the line-up of pure kolo including, but not limited to: kidnapped relative; being turned down for loan application thrice (this, by the way, is after the scholarship money I was supposed to get mysteriously couldn't be gotten any more...person processing it attacked by thieves, money mysteriously missing from the agency supposed to provide it- *smh* at Nigerian involvement); a very close relative on the verge of death because apparently the Nigerian doctors have sent him home to die with a belly full of ascites, edema, and all kinds of other problems...b/c they are "out of space/options". Even if he is terminal, ever here of palliative care? Don't get me started on that though...can go all day on that, and I just can't afford to be depressed right now; Best friend ever being set up by someone, currently going through hell with immigration/legal/financial battle - feel horrible because I can't even help in any way - story for another time.

Yeah, it's been a kinda rough summer. Sorry if I sound like I immersed in self pity, but I haven't talked about it all summer with anyone, I just needed to unburden. I was chatting with a friend the other day and his biggest issue was about this girl that he likes and had kinda asked out but didn't know what to do. I know it sounds petty, but all I could think was "Really dude, that's your BIGGEST problem right now?" Really I just couldn't. Okay so maybe part of it had to do with the fact that said dude has been toying with my emotions for the longest and yet expects me to be the happiest for him. Really? Oh well, story for another day.

So I have just indulged in some long awaited - on my part - logorrhea. I feel so much better!

Ka Odi nu

P.S I have to say a BIG thank you to this amazing lady: Madame Sting I don't know how I would kept my sanity these last few days without her encouragement :)

P.P.S Can someone teach me how to audioblog? I'm thinking that might help me in those times when I want to blog, but am too lazy/tired to. Pretty please?

P.P.P.S I'll get out of my depressive funk soon. I hope. I just need to get through this present kolo