Thoughts in Silence

A little post to let someone out there in the universe who cares know I'm alive. I'm taking things a step at a time and trying to learn, to grow, to improve myself.

To be quite honest, I have felt rather purposeless a lot of the last couple of months. I have wondered why I tend to be an annoying Debbie Downer for no good reason. I have wondered why I can't be honest with myself. Through all this though, I'm still striving to improve. I know I've mentioned that before, and I know i'll mention it again. I need to focus on positivity, on improvement. I've had one to many "feeling worthless" moments recently. It's annoying because I have no idea why I feel this way. I should feel at least a tad bit content with what I have. Instead I find myself spending hours forcing myself to be happy.

I found myself thinking a couple of minutes ago that I'm 26 years old, and apart from a poorly planned career in Medicine, I feel like I don't have a lot going for me. I find myself increasingly envious of others, even when I logically think that I can't personally know the battles they may face or may have faced to get to where they are. Let me just tell you, Jealousy/Envy is an ugly, ugly emotion. Stay away from it if you can, it just drains so much joy from you. I find myself being incredibly passive-aggressive these days. I thought I was getting over it. I just don't know why I have all these negative emotions whirling inside me, especially when I thought I was getting better. I feel disgusted with a lot of things about me, but won't take the easy steps to fix them.

I know that tomorrow I might be back in that forcefully created happy place. Smile real hard. Watch cartoons. Sing silly songs at the top of your lungs - "Jitterbug." Dance around in the privacy of room where no probing eyes see, Briefly encounter what is not liked and suppress. Back to dancing. Make lovely noises on the phone. Smile at other happy people. Eat frozen yoghurt like I don't care.

Tomorrow I'll go back to all this. Back to my huge improvement quest. Grasp and hold onto Happiness with both hands as I dizzily spin around on it's crazy merry-go-round.

But tonight, I stay awake with my insomnia and face my true thoughts in this silent space. 

Ka Odi Nu

P.S  I know I basically rambled, but just had to clear my chest a little.