Heavy Thoughts on My Mind…11/19/09

So I came across this post I had typed up on my computer on November 19, 2009, and I thought I'd share it. I guess I've been dealing with some things that I didn't want to bring to the forefront. I am, however, going through a journey of transparent self-honesty, and I find that sharing seems to help. I love being an anonymous blogger.

And I should add that things have DEFINITELY improved since I typed this; maybe my dad seemed to realize what he stood to lose when mama got so sick earlier on in the year. Anyways, here it goes:

 

 

I don't know what to do with myself right now…I'm just typing away to see if it gives me some sense of relief. I can't sleep, I'm having a little pity fest too, but I can't help it! I feel so down.

I'm saddened by the state of my parent's marriage. There, I said it. I'm upset that my father keeps belittling and disparaging my mother in front of others. No matter what, she should be given respect as his wife and mother to his four children. I cannot believe that he cannot see how much damage he's done to her. I cannot believe that he cannot sense how much damage he's doing to ME talking to me about my mum like that.

"She has no ambition."

"If she was someone who took anything seriously, she'd do this…"

"Look at how she looks. This isn't the woman I married."

While he talks about how fat she is, or how the only reason he's still with her is because of us, he seems to forget his role in her current "state":

• He has conveniently forgotten that he asked her to be a stay at home wife
  
• He has conveniently forgotten that he never showed her any real encouragement with any endeavors she had that would take her away from home. After all, who was going to take care of the kids?
  
• He complained about her getting maids to help around the house, while never considering that she was taking care of his family too (Way more than us and her family too).
  

Worst of all, it's like he never looks at himself in the mirror. His thickening waistline and his heavier self isn't the man my mum married either, but I don't hear her complain. He may not be "obese" like she is, but if she can love him unconditionally, why can't he do the same?

He would flinch to hear this, but what he has been doing to her is called abuse. He would never lift a finger to her, I'll give him that, but there are so many other forms of abuse. This is verbal and emotional abuse.

I'm not exonerating mum of any blame either. She lets him chip away at her self esteem without saying anything. My mum is the strongest woman I know, but sometimes I wonder if she realizes it herself. I would never blame her for foregoing her dreams to take care of us; she always tells us how happy she was and still is to take care of us, and I always feel like my heart is being squeezed when she says that; I know how much she's sacrificed.

Sometimes though, I wish she'd stand up for herself more and not let my dad and his domineering self walk all over her. I wish she would take better care of herself. I wish she'd do it for her, and not for anyone else: not my dad, not us, not her family. Just for her. I want her to get that spring back in her step, that shining confidence and assurance in her eyes. I want to stop seeing that look of panic that she can't disguise no matter how hard she tries.

Momma has been ill a lot lately and I keep freaking out. I'm ashamed to say it, but I keep getting scared that she'll die. My stomach knots and I feel nauseous when I think of it. I know that I'm selfish in thinking of only how it impacts me, but I think I have every right to be selfish about my mum.

I'm confused. I've always been the closest to my dad, but as I've been growing up, his attitude towards my mum is slowly wedging a space between us. I can't approach my dad with this subject and I don't know what to do. I just know that if this goes on, I might get to a point where I'll completely lose that closeness with him.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect or that they both have to be perfect. I just want them to be the best they can. I want the fairy tale family I used to have back.

 

I feel so much better letting this all out.