Dear P,

I'm still in shock right now...I truly don't know what to say or think.
I didn't want to go to Facebook this night; I had just posted a YouTube video, and I was bound and determined not to go to FB, but I did. I don't know why.

I'd been wondering why you weren't my friend on FB, and I made up my mind to add you. So how come I got on FB, and my newsfeed had a message from W asking that we pray for your soul? I told myself it was a coincidence. There were many people named P after all. I sent my friend request. I was sad that another nameless, faceless person had lost her life.

So please tell me P, how is it that I came back a few minutes later and there were messages on your wall, message with words that heaven and soul, and worst of all, rest in peace? How could it be you P? I still didn't want to believe it, but when I saw the missed call from A, I knew I had to stop lying to myself.

I spoke with A, and she told what had happened; he told me how your death was all over the evening news. She told me about the sense of disbelief hanging in the atmosphere down there. People who'd just talked to you last night, people like me who'd read a funny comment you posted on FB, people who'd seen you recently. How could a life be snatched away so soon?

We weren't the best of friends, but I admired you P. You were always so calm and so friendly. You always had a big smile on your face. Whenever I was around you and B, I knew you'd have a good time.

Death is truly no respecter of persons because if he knew who you were and how important you were to some, he'd have walked away from you yesterday afternoon. He would have thought about B - you were always her rock through thick and thin; you were essential in getting her through her mom's death just last year. You were supposed to be her family at her graduation, coming up in 3 weeks. He would have thought about your mum - she'd just buried your sister not too long ago, and you'd joined her in taking responsibility for your orphaned nieces and nephews. Death would have thought about your nieces and nephews and the loss they'd feel.
Instead,He chose to take a wonderful, wonderful person like you.

I know I'm rambling right now, but I can't get over it.

Rest in the bosom of the Lord P. You will be sorely missed, even by people like me whom you inspired even from afar.

P,
"May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friend.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in."
- Hear You Me, Jimmy Eat World

Adieu P, you left too soon;
Adieu P, we mourn and pray for you.

Thai Food and Gareth Gates

So in the midst of my being extremely foolish and not studying like I should, I decided I was craving something different and decided to get Thai food. I’d had enough of rice so I decided to get noodles. I was feeling like a G and decided to make my food spicy.
I told the lady at the counter “Please make it very spicy!”
She responded “Hot or Extra Hot?”
I was thinking in my mind “Didn’t this woman hear very spicy? Mschew” but I actually said “Extra hot.”
She asked me again, “Extra hot?? It’s very spicy are you sure you can handle it?” By now the conversation was getting too old for me. I sha eventually got my extra hot noodles and left.

My people, biggest mistake ever! That Thai food became the cause of my pain and misery! After my mouth survived being one step away from numb…my bum took over the pain from where my mouth stopped. Don’t laugh at me now….it’s not funny that I’m here thinking about. Shebi, according to Gareth Gates:
“I know I’ve been such a fool
Giving in to temptation
When I should’ve played it cool
The situation got out of hand
I hope you understand:

It can happen to.. Anyone of us, anyone you think of; anyone can fall…’cause I made a stupid mistake”
-Anyone of Us, Gareth Gates

He sure got it right! That was a stupid mistake. And while you’re busy laughing at me, remember that it can happen to “anyone of us.” Don’t say I did not warn you o!
Seriously, if someone offers you extra hot Thai noodles, that person is most likely your enemy. Run, run far away!

Wanna know something possibly more stupid? I have leftovers. Can you tell where I’m heading with this???
Ka Odi Nu

iLove...

my younger brother with all my heart. It seems that he just instinctively knows when to call and cheer me up. I was not having the best day, but just talking with my bro has made me feel so much better!

So,
even though you can be a huge pest
even though you can be ridiculously (and sometimes annoyingly) overprotective
even though you have delusions of 'thuggish behaviors'
even though you can be ridiculously stubborn
even though you are VERY weird
even though sometimes I absolutely cannot fathom you
even though you feel the need to pretend that you aren't a sensitive soul
and even though this would embarrass you a LOT if you ever got to read it,

I have to say it: I LOVE YOU bro-bro. You make me happy. You make me smile. You give me warm, fuzzy, big-sister-ly feelings.

Your sis.

P.S I really need not to blog about my brothers' antics some time. I love my bros (all 3 of them!); Now back to my TDB study session.

Ka Odi Nu

I Have

A problem...I have an addiction and I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of being steeped in denial; I'm tired of justifying it; I'm tired of internalizing and finding ways to suppress my feelings of guilt.

Lately, the tightly placed covers can not hold it in anymore; they are starting to bow to the pressure. Slowly this thing is creeping out, seeping into the other well ordered aspects of my life and tainting them. My boundaries are no longer clearly defined, they have been disturbed in the worst way possibly.

My denial can longer find explanations for a complete loss of common sense; I can no longer explain jeopardizing things that should have a higher priority, things I worked hard for, for that matter.

I thought I'd gotten through this...why is my will not strong enough??! I'm so conflicted about this.

I have an addiction, and I don't know what to do.

Is it selfish then, or self-defeating that I'm too ashamed to talk about this still? I guess I need to write this out, to face myself with this truth so I can stop internalizing it and lying to myself.

I'm sorry I can't really talk about it yet. I don't have my journal right now, and this is the next best thing.

Random

Hey! I was going to blog about my long-promised story of crushes, but I had this one course that I hate today, and it especially stole the joy from my soul today. I can't tell the story of my crush woes in this angry frame of mind. So instead, a short random post instead.

I finally got New York plates for Baby Cam (that's my car) yesterday. Don't hate me NY lovers, but it was a sad day for me. I love yellow and all, but why do the plates have to come in this UGLY mustard yellow color?? I miss my old tag already.

I met some Ghanian guy named Dave yesterday, and that's the 3rd Ghanian Dave/David I know. Do Ghanians just really like this name?? He was quite an interesting individual...he started out by telling me he's from Africa with this ''posh'' accent, but immediately he found out I was Nigerian, the konk accent came out. Why do people like to form sha? Then he asked me if I was scared of him (Such a tangent and I was wondering why); he said most people are scared of him. After that I just decided to exit myself from there sharp sharp.

I have a major exam coming up next week. Last chance to redeem myself and make sure I'm not repeating 1st year. Very nervous right now. Y'all pray for me!!

I don't know if it's just my class, but why in the world do some people think they're geniuses, when they really aren't?? You know what? That's the subject for a full fledged rant post coming up...I just finally managed to start lowering my bp, don't want to increase it again because of some moronic behavior.

Also, why is the weather extra strange this year? One minute is freezing, next it's ridiculously hot. I was excited, even brought out some dresses, and now it's cold again =(

i have friend who has really bad BO, but I'm not close enough to him and I don't know how to broach the subject w/o causing offense. Any suggestions?? Can't do the birthday present thing, his birthday is too far away....

Well, lemme stop rambling. I'm still in the pain-inducing class right now...I just needed to get away for a little while. Back to reality now.

Ka Odi Nu

Dear 2011

You have been an interesting year, for lack of a better word. I deferred putting up a post earlier on because I was just filled with so much negativity.

2011, you started on a wrong note. I don't think I remember ever entering a new year just filled with so much anger and sadness...the worst thing about it? I couldn't explain why I was overreacting to the littlest things that in hindsight, weren't even supposed to warrant so much emotional investment.

Could it be because I was dealing with feelings of continued inferiority, like certain people had previously placed me on this pedestal, this ridiculously high place that I couldn't possibly acheive, and it seemed like they were finally beginning to see the truth?
Could it be because this holiday felt like all the joy had been sucked out of my house?? Who knows.

Anyway, as you progressed it just seemed things got worse...I was witnessing my family starting to disintegrate; the tape hastily placed over the cracks at our seams has slowly been coming off...my parents might as well be married in name only. For the first time I saw my dad have an emotional outburst related to this, and for him to say the things he said...I was amazed. I didn't know what to say, and the worst part is that I didn't know how to explain that I didn't agree with what he was saying (but that's for another post).

I lost some people that I least expected I would, I got increasly depressed, I damaged my relationship for God, and I'm fighting to get it back. I also started doing very bad in school, just because I wasn't working hard; seems like I lost all motivation and drive.

However, you have been surprising me greatly recently...it's like the whole time I was shaking my fist angrily at you, you were working hard undercover and shaking your head at my impatience and stupidity.

I've gone from failing and almost being put on an extended curriculum, to passing all but one class last unti, which just happened to be the most challenging one for me.

I didn't lose my baby cousin, even though we had such a bad scare...we thought he wouldn't live past his 1st birthday.

I've had been randomly walk up to me and pay me compliments and just generally make me feel cherished. Most importantly I've had the importance of making me happy re-impressed upon me. I've had less problems with people, and I'm not so down these days. I'm also in the fight to get right with God again =)

So, even though things aren't completely great on the home front, I'm not as worried anymore...and even though not everything is ideal, I'm not worried. Why? Because, my dear 2011, there's a good track record developing here. The most important lesson you've taught me: to grow up. You've infused some more much needed maturity in me, and you've put a little bit more resilience in me.

So even though I didn't think I would, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm happy I waited to post this. I like our path, and I hope it continue to be exactly this way, with more lessons learned.

Daalu!

P.S Forgive any blunders, typing from my phone...just needed to unburden my mind...will be back soonest =)

Mini Update

Hey everyone!

Sorry I've been away for so long; Been busier than I thought I'd be....actually scratch that, because I haven't been as busy as I ought to be.

I've been reading blogs, just haven't had the energy to comment. I apologize for that.

Truth is, I've been feeling so out of it; I feel very unlike my usual self. It's like I've been in a persistent funk; I know that I have a temper, but these days seems like it's triggered much more easily. My emotions just feel so volatile!
I don't mean to sound so depressing, just been feeling that way, and it's so annoying because I can't explain what the problem is. Hope I get over this self-pity fest soon.

It's not all doom and gloom here though. On the bright side, I'm still not a roadside tomato seller...I haven't aced anything, but I'm no longer failing any classes, and I hope to keep things that way. It's weird though that I was so freaked out about Anatomy and it's turning out to be the class that I'm performing pretty well in. Just goes to show that you never know hey??

I hope to be back in full -and happy - simplegal form soon. To make up for my absence, I'll leave you with my latest ''poem'' (now that I think of it, it's kinda depressing too):

I stand before you
Looking at you
Seeing you looking at me
But I wonder if you see me;
Your forehead is puckered
With a look of concentration
But I still wonder if you see me

What face do your wear today?
I never really can tell
Are you wearing your Rose tinted glasses
That color your world, and me, in flowery shades,
Shades I don't see to be me

Or are you wearing your cracked glasses
That distort your view
magnifying my flaws,
double vision creating false copies
Of what you think be to be

I stand before you
Wondering what runs through your mind
Seeing you look at, and yet through me
Wondering how you do not see
The splintered pices oof my person

And while I watch you
Trying to figure you out
I wish that while you look through me
You would see the repeated thought,
Hear the replaying refrain of my thoughts:

Can you look,
Could you see,
Would you truly let me be?
Do you hear
Do you percieve
The true essence that is
Me?

Like I said, sorry, a bit depressing, hope to be back to happy Simplegal soon.

Ka Odi nu

P.S Forgive any grammatical blunders; tired and typing this from my phone.