Have you ever been in a certain place, heard a certain message, or watched a certain piece, and felt that you were personally being addressed? Well, that's how I felt on Sunday. I almost missed going to service that morning; it was raining, so the weather was cool, my bed seemed extra soft, and I just wanted to keep on sleeping. I missed the first two services, and finally, I dragged myself out of bed to go to the third service.
So it amazed me when I was in church that morning, and the pastor's wife was talking about praying for healing, and everything she was saying just seemed like it was tailored for my mama. I raised my hand for prayer, and I cried when I was getting that prayer. I don't usually cry at times like this, so I was surprised myself. I hope that God has heard me; I hope he will heal my mum. I think she really needs to put this illness behind her. I've been so scared to hear of her test results for weeks now, but after really praying about it on Sunday, I'm feeling more confident that everything will be fine. My work entails reading cancer charts all day, and I been praying fervently that that is not what is wrong. Well, we'll find out next week.
Anyways, the service continued, and we had a special group minister that morning. One segment of the play they did was on abuse. They were talking about people who'd been abused or molested at any point in time, and how forgiveness was needed, or it affected every part of one's life. I just sat in my chair, watching, listening, and I was shook. I've been trying to deal with my issues. I told you about being molested by my cousin when I was younger, and I really thought I'd made my peace with it. When I realized I truly wasn't was when I logged onto Facebook sometime last week, and I had a friend request from this cousin in question. I logged onto Facebook every day last week, looked at that friend request, and just moved on elsewhere. I couldn't bring myself to respond.
That's why I sat in my chair that morning in church, just trying to sort my feelings out, but just generally feeling shook. I realized that maybe this had been affecting my life in many ways. I went after service for prayer because I needed some help. I prayed, I was prayed for, and I cried. I was happy to let it out because I'd never cried about it before. I'd had many feelings: anger, denial, shame, acceptance, heck I'd even made excuses for why it had happened, told myself maybe it was my fault In some way, justified it by saying I should count myself lucky that I wasn't raped, even when it happened a second time, by another different person. So I stood at that altar, and cried about it. I cried about my shame, I cried about my anger, I cried about all the ways it had been affecting me, I just cried and just cleansed my spirit. I found that forgiveness, that understanding it seemed I couldn't find before.
I got home feeling so much better, and very happy that I had not missed that service that morning. Later in the day, I logged on Facebook, and I added the cousin in question as a friend. One of my friends who knows about the whole situation was angry with me for doing that. I told her that that was what I had to do for me. I'm never going to get the apology I'd thought I needed for so long from him. I'd thought that was what I needed to move on. I know he's not going to give it, and for the first time in my life, I don't care! He's moved on with his life, he got married over the holidays, he's happy, so why should I be the one weighed down with this? I've found that forgiveness, that peace that transcends all the negative emotions I'd been dealing with.
Happy New Year to you all, hope the year is going great so far!
