Thoughts in Silence

A little post to let someone out there in the universe who cares know I'm alive. I'm taking things a step at a time and trying to learn, to grow, to improve myself.

To be quite honest, I have felt rather purposeless a lot of the last couple of months. I have wondered why I tend to be an annoying Debbie Downer for no good reason. I have wondered why I can't be honest with myself. Through all this though, I'm still striving to improve. I know I've mentioned that before, and I know i'll mention it again. I need to focus on positivity, on improvement. I've had one to many "feeling worthless" moments recently. It's annoying because I have no idea why I feel this way. I should feel at least a tad bit content with what I have. Instead I find myself spending hours forcing myself to be happy.

I found myself thinking a couple of minutes ago that I'm 26 years old, and apart from a poorly planned career in Medicine, I feel like I don't have a lot going for me. I find myself increasingly envious of others, even when I logically think that I can't personally know the battles they may face or may have faced to get to where they are. Let me just tell you, Jealousy/Envy is an ugly, ugly emotion. Stay away from it if you can, it just drains so much joy from you. I find myself being incredibly passive-aggressive these days. I thought I was getting over it. I just don't know why I have all these negative emotions whirling inside me, especially when I thought I was getting better. I feel disgusted with a lot of things about me, but won't take the easy steps to fix them.

I know that tomorrow I might be back in that forcefully created happy place. Smile real hard. Watch cartoons. Sing silly songs at the top of your lungs - "Jitterbug." Dance around in the privacy of room where no probing eyes see, Briefly encounter what is not liked and suppress. Back to dancing. Make lovely noises on the phone. Smile at other happy people. Eat frozen yoghurt like I don't care.

Tomorrow I'll go back to all this. Back to my huge improvement quest. Grasp and hold onto Happiness with both hands as I dizzily spin around on it's crazy merry-go-round.

But tonight, I stay awake with my insomnia and face my true thoughts in this silent space. 

Ka Odi Nu

P.S  I know I basically rambled, but just had to clear my chest a little.

It's 5:21 am...

...and I'm really stressed out. I'm in full pre-exam panic mode. This isn't exactly helped by the fact that I have insomnia, which has lead to a splitting headache and the headache is exacerbated by having some king of illness since yesterday- allergies vs. cold, dunno (and in  of my mind thinking shouldn't I be able to diagnose this?) - and I possible have stress induced diarrhea/hyperactive bowels alternating with constipation. Been sneezing so hard I'm having those tiny 'spots/stars' in my vision...in summary, trying very hard not to wallow in self pity because we all know that never accomplishes anything.

In the midst of this I decided to take a break and listen to music/look at old pictures since I can't call my parents this early, and I realized that I really had a huge head as a kid. Funny bcause I call my brothers 'big head' all the time. Denial is a hell of a thing huh?

Feel a tad bit better now...it the little things that help :) Can't nap anyways, so I guess I'm gonna tryto squeeze a little bit more info into my teeny brain. Forgive my rambling, this is the product of extreme stress abd trying to cope with it in a non-self pitying way....

Sai Anjuma

Study Break!

I have my internal medicine shelf on Friday, and since I would rather walk over hot coals and slowly jab pins in my upper eyelids than read another words in MKSAP right at this moment, I decided to come blog!

I have been having an okay time of things in this last rotation, I guess. I've of course had moments where I continuously questioned my sanity and really wished that I wasn't in so much debt that I was stuck in medicine, but I genuinely think that something related to internal medicine might just be for me. I enjoy talking to people a lot (I mean, does it really get better than running my mouth all day and getting paid to do so? I think not!), and I think something about this last clerkship has struck a chord with me (/which is why I'm terrified I'll screw up this shelf exam and ruin all the hard work I put in...but suppressing such thoughts for now). Then again, this is just my second rotation so far, and I've enjoyed both of them, so who knows? As long as I don't end up being a greengrocer or pulling a Skype-from-the-village move, I think I'll be okay.

As you can probably tell, school is taking over my life, I have lost what little social skills I had, can absolutely not hold a decent conversation anymore, find myself sharing silly med student humor with people not even the slightest bit interested in it, and find myself bursting into inappropriate laughter, song, and conversation quite often theses days (yes, I choose to believe my sanity is intact and surely it must be the root-of-all-evil aka med school that is responsible for all my problems. Indulge me.) Thankfully my family is invested in the whole 'family-is-for-life' bit and are putting up with my crazy ways. My mum always makes the appropriate noises when I call to vent, bless her heart.

Well in other not-related-to-med-school news, I just noticed today that I've had only 5 posts this year. Five! I mean, I know I'm not a prolific writer by any stretch of the imagination, but this is just pitiful! I've had all these things swirling around in my brain, and somehow just never translated it to posts. I can't even blame it on not having time...I know many people much busier than I am who still write more than I do *smh* I need to come back and finish off all these ideas/semi-initiated projects I have.

Well, I'd love to ramble some more and stay steeped in denial, but I can't push off the studying any more. Please pray for me/send some positive thoughts/wishes/vibes if you read this. Thanks!

Ka odi nu!

Just breathe....

My exam is tomorrow. I have tried my best to keep away from this site for the last month to avoid distracting myself, and to avoid inundating you with my woes. I can't wait for tomorrow night to be here. I still don't feel remotely ready, but I really can't stand the feeling of having this hanging over my head anymore. I did not hit any of the goals I had for this study period, but it is what it is. I'm hoping that something will work out somehow. I probably shouldn't sound so flippant about something that plays such a big role in determining my future career, but this is the only way I know to keep myself together for the moment. I just want to be done with it. Tomorrow, I'll just try my best and see how it goes I guess!


Was going to do an audio post, but I don't know if I would have sounded coherent or been able to string reasonable sentences together. I have spent the last month, I'm convinced, traumatizing people's children. I've looked like a hobo on one too many occasions! The other day, I got to the public library only to discover that I was wearing my 'special socks' - purple stripes, crossbones, multicolored patches - you get the picture, with my house slippers. This was paired, by the way with some oversize grey sweatpants - that just happened to be missing the drawstring - a shapeless purple sweater and a jacket missing a middle button. I really don't know how I happened to leave the house looking like that, lol. I went to the grocery store to get energy drinks on that same day, and I almost had to go over and close some lady's mouth for her. She was standing by her car, just staring at me in horror. But the lady kukuma can't she try to control her expression sef? I wanted to bust into a rendition of "Ain't Nobody Got Time for That" a la Sweet Brown (by the way, if you haven't seen this, here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFEoMO0pc7k. you're welcome, lol), but I decided that would guarantee me a ride to the psych equiv of the ER over here - bad for my rep seeing as I worked there for a bit not too long ago.
Summary: If you come across some crazy looking person wearing mismatched clothes/old 9ja clothes in your Walmart parking lot, it just might be me. Treat me with kindness, please.

Speaking of hospitals, I've had to continue on with my one of my rotations throughout this "off" period, and boy have I met some interesting people! A few weeks ago, I was shadowing my preceptor, and we were running somewhat behind schedule. While we're in a patient room, we hear a patient in the next room yelling and carrying on about how he's annoyed because he hasn't been attended to (which was somewhat understandable, but he was kinda overreacting). We get in to see him and after basically yelling for a bit he gets to his problem. He says he has a boil in his "nether regions" and goes into graphic detail about how he puts his hand there and gets so much pus. He also says that if it's not attended to at the moment, he's going to go home an jab whatever he can into it to take care of it himself, and that he might even use a knife (See what I said about overreacting?). We inspect his butt for the boil, and if you see the tiny spot...not to say that it couldn't have been a huge problem in the past, but considering the agaracha we had to endure today, that was not expected. And by the way, when he dropped his pants, he turned to me and told me, "you've been enjoying all this haven't you? Guess you have no problems and are just enjoying the show." Erm...I think not sir. Yeah, the most we could do was give him some meds and try to make sure he wouldn't take a knife to his butt. And he did complain some more and blame "the system" and "the man." *smh*

Well, I think I have rambled enough....will be back when I'm a reasonable, sane, coherent person. I've had a good distraction from my exam stress, which was my goal :)

Wish me luck, send me positive vibes and prayers, I'll definitely need them!!!

Ka odi nu

Testing Microphone: My first - and rather random - audiopost

Ka Odi Nu

When It Rains, It Pours....

Just when I'd started out the week on a good note, just when I thought things were taking a turn for the better, everything is just taking a turn for the worse.

School issues back at the forefront...insurance cancelled without telling me, so now have to go through a whole lotta mess with DMV...Roommate about to bail on me 2 days before we're set to move in. What am I supposed to do? I'm just quite stressed.

In the midst of all this craziness, I get the worst news of all...my uncle died on Monday night. I'm so sad that he went through all that suffering and died still suffering. Fate couldn't even afford him a peaceful death. I'm so sad and just can't even get my head toghether to properly write about it.

I haven't cried about it. Maybe I really do have a heart of stone. People I know die and I don't cry. People I don't know cry and I don't cry either. Last time I had a shift at the ER for school and while there, a baby died right in front of me. Right after I helped do compressions on her tiny chest. People around me were crying but I just had dry eyes. The ER doc was so so worried about me because it was the first time I'd ever seen a person die, and a baby too? I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

I need to get my head out of this space. I haven't been able to focus or keep my head straight. So much for maximizing the week for study till I had to get back to school.

This, too, surely has to pass.

Ka Odi Nu

It Sure Has Been A While...

I don't know if I should continue to apologize...I realized today that I've had this blog for 4 years and yet somehow have never made it to the post goal that I had initially wanted: 100 posts *smh, such an epic fail* For the 1 or 2 people who still care to read, despite my sporadic posts, I apologize! Forgive me please!


I had to take a break and decided to put up a little post to de-stress, because I've been under an incredible amount of stress. Sources of stress: MEDICAL SCHOOL and friends/family.


I'd told myself I wouldn't post by whining about school stress (I'm sure this sentence sounds oh so very familiar by now), but it's taking over my life! I feel like every other sentence out of my mouth these days is a complaint, and at least 90% of the complaints are about school. I'm happy that I survived 2nd year, though barely due to a mix of a severe bout of a viral illness and a crazy pathology shelf exam. Someone up there must REALLY love me though, because I sure did make it!

Now the latest craziness is my STEP1 exam. I'm so ridiculously stressed, have the date for now set pretty soon, KNOW I'm not ready. I tried to reschedule but some people at my clinical campus for 3rd year are just not working with me at all. After all, according to one of the head honchos over there, "there are so many things you can do in general practice with a passing grade, and if you fail, you have till next year to provide us a passing grade." Really though? How do you know I want to go into general practice? Way to work on crushing a person's spirit there ma'am. I'm just trying really hard not to worry about it, but kinda hard though when your whole FUTURE is on the line. Oh well, waiting to see what will happen, will found out by Wednesday. Please keep me in your prayers!

It's been a semi-crazy summer with the line-up of pure kolo including, but not limited to: kidnapped relative; being turned down for loan application thrice (this, by the way, is after the scholarship money I was supposed to get mysteriously couldn't be gotten any more...person processing it attacked by thieves, money mysteriously missing from the agency supposed to provide it- *smh* at Nigerian involvement); a very close relative on the verge of death because apparently the Nigerian doctors have sent him home to die with a belly full of ascites, edema, and all kinds of other problems...b/c they are "out of space/options". Even if he is terminal, ever here of palliative care? Don't get me started on that though...can go all day on that, and I just can't afford to be depressed right now; Best friend ever being set up by someone, currently going through hell with immigration/legal/financial battle - feel horrible because I can't even help in any way - story for another time.

Yeah, it's been a kinda rough summer. Sorry if I sound like I immersed in self pity, but I haven't talked about it all summer with anyone, I just needed to unburden. I was chatting with a friend the other day and his biggest issue was about this girl that he likes and had kinda asked out but didn't know what to do. I know it sounds petty, but all I could think was "Really dude, that's your BIGGEST problem right now?" Really I just couldn't. Okay so maybe part of it had to do with the fact that said dude has been toying with my emotions for the longest and yet expects me to be the happiest for him. Really? Oh well, story for another day.

So I have just indulged in some long awaited - on my part - logorrhea. I feel so much better!

Ka Odi nu

P.S I have to say a BIG thank you to this amazing lady: Madame Sting I don't know how I would kept my sanity these last few days without her encouragement :)

P.P.S Can someone teach me how to audioblog? I'm thinking that might help me in those times when I want to blog, but am too lazy/tired to. Pretty please?

P.P.P.S I'll get out of my depressive funk soon. I hope. I just need to get through this present kolo

It Ain't Easy...

The title of what used to be one of my fave Tupac songs is a wonderful representation of how I feel about life right about now. [By the way, did I ever tell you I used to be a big Tupac fans...okay so I started because I was copying my big bro, and then I started relating to some of the lyrics...what can I say, I was an interesting teenager on the DL. Okay end Side note].

I'm back to the craziness, and man has the time been flying! This unit is the craziest one so far...who knew those little kidneys could cause so much craziness and hold such a wealth of information? Add in the fact that I have my microbiology (truly the devil's own subject) shelf exams 2 days after my unit exam, and I'm just weak. Na who send me??!!

I just registered for my step 1 exam, so now I have a date, and I'm trying really hard not to freak myself completely. I need prayers y'all!

It hasn't been all crazy though...one of my classes has a lot of clinical experience built in, so sometimes it's good to get away from the books. i had urology yesterday, and it was quite interesting....more than I thought it woud be. Apart from an awkward moment with one patient and seeing a traumatizing manifestion of elephantiasis (it's a urology clinic, try to imagine where the swelling and edema was...this was just not right...I will tell you when next I blog), it seems like something I wouldn't mind doing.

I have the best roommate ever! I enjoy just having times when I need to relax, and she's very good at talking with me and just helping me get my mind of the craziness! Her man-crazy imagination/ways make me laugh *smh* I must tell you about this at some point. The family is more peaceful too these days, so that's good too. My support system is more awesome than ever at the moment, and I love it!

I realize I have been rambling...honestly I'm in a class that I have to been in, but I can't focus, and I dunno what's he's talking about so I decided to update =)

I should be back with some thing more organized at some future date!

Jishi nu ike my people!

It’s Been A Long Year….

Ndi Blogsville, E kenem unu o!

I know it has been ages since I last blogged….I feel like I always have to start a blog post with an apology because I never seem to post anything anymore. Anyways, I know you're that awesome and you'll forgive me =)

I've been wanting to post for a while now, but I've been hindered by a lot of things…time, school, changing my mind about things I wrote, not knowing if I had the courage to post some things I wrote, etc. I've just been grateful for my journal and some choice friends when times have been especially rough with me =)

First off, I must thank Ms. Mizchief…she wrote me a very much needed e-mail when I was going through my mini crisis this summer. I so needed it, and I'm so happy she took the time out to send me just what I needed. Daalu! I guess it's true that things sometimes have to hit that absolute low point, that point at which you have nowhere left to go but upward for things to get better. I definitely experienced that. I must say, this summer was a rough one for me…and the funny thing is I wasn't even the one directly affected by most of the events. It's just that when you live in a place with no peace, and you've already under an enormous amount of emotional stress, well you begin to let things affect you a lot more that they should. I'm happy to report that my parents are WORKING on their issues…I mean everything isn't all rosy now, but it's a helluva lot better than it was this summer. I think both my parents got to that low point and had some revelations from that: my mum stood up for herself a little more, and my dad realized that he couldn't keep accusing her of not making changes; he needed to make some changes too. I'm just happy for them and happy they're trying to get through stuff together.

On the other hand, there seems to be a little bit of a gap between me and my dad now…I don't know why and I can't explain it. I guess we need to work through some things I guess. I think he's disappointed about some decisions I've made and some things he thinks I've done. I don't know why, but for the first time I'm not on tenterhooks and trying desperately to fix everything. I was really sad about it for a while, but I'm giving him his space and I know he'll bring it up because that's his nature: My dad will NEVER talk to you about anything unless HE is ready to talk about it. My going to him really won't change anything. (Ugh, this post sounds depressing already…totally not what I had in mind).

So what else has been going on? I think my dear Madame Sting has been describing a huge portion of my life quite well. Second year of med school is a killer! I swear they're trying to kill people's kids. It's like they're trying to make us regret deciding on this career path. I have questioned my sanity many times in the last few months and I've been amazed by the tremendous change in some people (not all positive either).*musing to self* Ah, if only my back plan to be a roadside tomato seller would pay for these loans I took out *sigh* I don't know how it's going to work but something has got to give…I don't appreciate working more AND failing more…o gini? E jim ha ugwo? I'm still grateful to be done with half of 2^nd year though! I'm terrified of the latter half, but I know I'll pull through somehow. I'm finally starting to prepare for the dreaded boards…y'all pray for me!

I have the hugest crush on this one boy whom I swear must know about it because he is constantly playing with my emotions. It cracks me up sometimes that he tries to act all innocent when he knows for a fact that he's up to something. I have tried to convince myself that it must be my ongoing infatuation with him that has me misinterpreting many things, but I sat and read our chats the other day (in an effort to blast myself into reality) and I'm convinced I'm not imagining things. I have been – quite successfully per my friend (and me) learning and training in the art of poker face. I must not be caught with a moony expression on my face! More coming on the story of my crushes soon.

I have become hooked on Korean Dramas! I happened to watch one series and I just became hooked. That was all I did when I wasn't shadowing this summer. It real helped me remove myself from a lot of the unnecessary drama going on in my house. I swear these people are hilarious! Is anyone else hooked? Because I need recommendations, tee-hee.

Oh well my people, I gotta run. I know this has been an extremely random post…I just felt the need to update, no matter how short it's be. I might be back with a continuation later =).

Be well, and compliments of the season!

Jishu nu Ike!

Love You Baby.

Three little words. Not that important right? How much of an impact could they have? Probably not much, right? The answers to these questions are still pending.

Why are these words worth a blog post, you ask? First off, because I saw them in a text message from someone whom I know has an exceptionally hard time expressing himself emotionally -especially if it is a romantic emotion - to anyone: my dad.

Secondly, aforementioned text message was sent, NOT to my mum, but to another woman living in another country, heck another continent. Stranger still, this message was a reply to one from said lady telling him 2 numbers to contact with and a passcode. there was nothing else in her 'cryptic' text.

For the last couple of hours, I have tried to convince myself otherwise, and I've tried to come up with reasons why such an exchange was on my dad's phone. "Someone used his cell phone." "It's some relative of ours, I just don't know her." "I'm completely misreading this situation."
Try as hard as I might though, I haven't been able to satisfactorily say that my proposed answers are the right ones for my question.

Stranger still, why was my dad telling this woman where he went for the weekend and when he'd be back? He didn't even tell us that. Furthermore, who took the pictures of him smiling on the tourist boat at the place he went to this weekend.

I'll cut to the chase. I need someone to tell me that my father is not cheating on my mum. I need someone to tell me this because I don't know what I'll do if it's true. If such a thing has happened, I don't know how I'm going to hold the already fragile and destabilized pieces of myself together. And my mum's emotional and physical state it about 100x worse than mine is, so I don't even want to think about that.

We just came back - my dad and I - from the ER where I've been all day with my mum. She's really ill, and no one will tell me what's wrong with her. And everyone that called today has blamed me or accused me of standing by and watching my mum slowly die. Needless to say, it was a long silent walk home. My dad knows something is wrong with me, but he thinks it's just b/c mum is in the hospital.

This has been the worst ending to a day EVER. And the most painful thing is I can't talk to the two people I'd ordinarily talk to about it. I'm really hurt right now, and my heart it hurting, and I'm trying really hard - unsuccessfully - not to cry.

I'll stop rambling. I don't no what else to say.

Tired

I must apologize first of all, been away too long and this definitely isn't how I planned to break the silence.

I feel sooo tired right now...my break so far has definitely NOT proceeded according to plan. All I've had to deal with is a whole bunch of drama; everyone seems to be avoiding/not talking to everyone else. It's so tiring.
And you know how it is when you live with your parents: you love them but they drive you crazy. I'm certainly living proof of that. My dad especially...Lord bless that man though.

Currently tired because I have been waiting in this ER for like 5 hours now, my mum is sick. And boy, is my mum a stubborn woman! Just realized that recently. That a whole post coming up just for my mama.

Also tired of nobody telling me anything. So I just found out my dad was hit by a car not too long ago and nobody told anyone. My dad barely got himself to tell my mum. Seriously?? I get more frustrated when people bring up things I wasn't told about in conversation like I should know about it. I get even more frustrated when said conversation is a lecture on things I've apparently done wrong.

I'm tired of death. I feel like one to many people I know have died within the last 2 years. It is just that the older you get, the more people you know, so the more people you know die? I can't understand it, and this was a theory I tried to use to explain it. My friend's dad died not too long ago. He was just buried on Friday, just 2 days before father's day. I was sad for her yesterday. I tried to imagine how she felt, being on Facebook, reading all those messages. I realized that it's so easy to tell someone to not think about death, to tell them to ''celebrate the life'' of their late loved one, but it really is easier said than done *heavy sigh*

I'm tired of this feeling of sadness, of unaccomplishment that seems to be afflicting almost everyone in my house. It's like a dark cloud, like in cartoons when rain falls over one house when the sun is shining everywhere else.

I'm just really tired.

Ka odi nu.

Neuroscience...

...is the devil. That is all.

Dear P,

I'm still in shock right now...I truly don't know what to say or think.
I didn't want to go to Facebook this night; I had just posted a YouTube video, and I was bound and determined not to go to FB, but I did. I don't know why.

I'd been wondering why you weren't my friend on FB, and I made up my mind to add you. So how come I got on FB, and my newsfeed had a message from W asking that we pray for your soul? I told myself it was a coincidence. There were many people named P after all. I sent my friend request. I was sad that another nameless, faceless person had lost her life.

So please tell me P, how is it that I came back a few minutes later and there were messages on your wall, message with words that heaven and soul, and worst of all, rest in peace? How could it be you P? I still didn't want to believe it, but when I saw the missed call from A, I knew I had to stop lying to myself.

I spoke with A, and she told what had happened; he told me how your death was all over the evening news. She told me about the sense of disbelief hanging in the atmosphere down there. People who'd just talked to you last night, people like me who'd read a funny comment you posted on FB, people who'd seen you recently. How could a life be snatched away so soon?

We weren't the best of friends, but I admired you P. You were always so calm and so friendly. You always had a big smile on your face. Whenever I was around you and B, I knew you'd have a good time.

Death is truly no respecter of persons because if he knew who you were and how important you were to some, he'd have walked away from you yesterday afternoon. He would have thought about B - you were always her rock through thick and thin; you were essential in getting her through her mom's death just last year. You were supposed to be her family at her graduation, coming up in 3 weeks. He would have thought about your mum - she'd just buried your sister not too long ago, and you'd joined her in taking responsibility for your orphaned nieces and nephews. Death would have thought about your nieces and nephews and the loss they'd feel.
Instead,He chose to take a wonderful, wonderful person like you.

I know I'm rambling right now, but I can't get over it.

Rest in the bosom of the Lord P. You will be sorely missed, even by people like me whom you inspired even from afar.

P,
"May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friend.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in."
- Hear You Me, Jimmy Eat World

Adieu P, you left too soon;
Adieu P, we mourn and pray for you.

Thai Food and Gareth Gates

So in the midst of my being extremely foolish and not studying like I should, I decided I was craving something different and decided to get Thai food. I’d had enough of rice so I decided to get noodles. I was feeling like a G and decided to make my food spicy.
I told the lady at the counter “Please make it very spicy!”
She responded “Hot or Extra Hot?”
I was thinking in my mind “Didn’t this woman hear very spicy? Mschew” but I actually said “Extra hot.”
She asked me again, “Extra hot?? It’s very spicy are you sure you can handle it?” By now the conversation was getting too old for me. I sha eventually got my extra hot noodles and left.

My people, biggest mistake ever! That Thai food became the cause of my pain and misery! After my mouth survived being one step away from numb…my bum took over the pain from where my mouth stopped. Don’t laugh at me now….it’s not funny that I’m here thinking about. Shebi, according to Gareth Gates:
“I know I’ve been such a fool
Giving in to temptation
When I should’ve played it cool
The situation got out of hand
I hope you understand:

It can happen to.. Anyone of us, anyone you think of; anyone can fall…’cause I made a stupid mistake”
-Anyone of Us, Gareth Gates

He sure got it right! That was a stupid mistake. And while you’re busy laughing at me, remember that it can happen to “anyone of us.” Don’t say I did not warn you o!
Seriously, if someone offers you extra hot Thai noodles, that person is most likely your enemy. Run, run far away!

Wanna know something possibly more stupid? I have leftovers. Can you tell where I’m heading with this???
Ka Odi Nu

iLove...

my younger brother with all my heart. It seems that he just instinctively knows when to call and cheer me up. I was not having the best day, but just talking with my bro has made me feel so much better!

So,
even though you can be a huge pest
even though you can be ridiculously (and sometimes annoyingly) overprotective
even though you have delusions of 'thuggish behaviors'
even though you can be ridiculously stubborn
even though you are VERY weird
even though sometimes I absolutely cannot fathom you
even though you feel the need to pretend that you aren't a sensitive soul
and even though this would embarrass you a LOT if you ever got to read it,

I have to say it: I LOVE YOU bro-bro. You make me happy. You make me smile. You give me warm, fuzzy, big-sister-ly feelings.

Your sis.

P.S I really need not to blog about my brothers' antics some time. I love my bros (all 3 of them!); Now back to my TDB study session.

Ka Odi Nu

I Have

A problem...I have an addiction and I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of being steeped in denial; I'm tired of justifying it; I'm tired of internalizing and finding ways to suppress my feelings of guilt.

Lately, the tightly placed covers can not hold it in anymore; they are starting to bow to the pressure. Slowly this thing is creeping out, seeping into the other well ordered aspects of my life and tainting them. My boundaries are no longer clearly defined, they have been disturbed in the worst way possibly.

My denial can longer find explanations for a complete loss of common sense; I can no longer explain jeopardizing things that should have a higher priority, things I worked hard for, for that matter.

I thought I'd gotten through this...why is my will not strong enough??! I'm so conflicted about this.

I have an addiction, and I don't know what to do.

Is it selfish then, or self-defeating that I'm too ashamed to talk about this still? I guess I need to write this out, to face myself with this truth so I can stop internalizing it and lying to myself.

I'm sorry I can't really talk about it yet. I don't have my journal right now, and this is the next best thing.

Random

Hey! I was going to blog about my long-promised story of crushes, but I had this one course that I hate today, and it especially stole the joy from my soul today. I can't tell the story of my crush woes in this angry frame of mind. So instead, a short random post instead.

I finally got New York plates for Baby Cam (that's my car) yesterday. Don't hate me NY lovers, but it was a sad day for me. I love yellow and all, but why do the plates have to come in this UGLY mustard yellow color?? I miss my old tag already.

I met some Ghanian guy named Dave yesterday, and that's the 3rd Ghanian Dave/David I know. Do Ghanians just really like this name?? He was quite an interesting individual...he started out by telling me he's from Africa with this ''posh'' accent, but immediately he found out I was Nigerian, the konk accent came out. Why do people like to form sha? Then he asked me if I was scared of him (Such a tangent and I was wondering why); he said most people are scared of him. After that I just decided to exit myself from there sharp sharp.

I have a major exam coming up next week. Last chance to redeem myself and make sure I'm not repeating 1st year. Very nervous right now. Y'all pray for me!!

I don't know if it's just my class, but why in the world do some people think they're geniuses, when they really aren't?? You know what? That's the subject for a full fledged rant post coming up...I just finally managed to start lowering my bp, don't want to increase it again because of some moronic behavior.

Also, why is the weather extra strange this year? One minute is freezing, next it's ridiculously hot. I was excited, even brought out some dresses, and now it's cold again =(

i have friend who has really bad BO, but I'm not close enough to him and I don't know how to broach the subject w/o causing offense. Any suggestions?? Can't do the birthday present thing, his birthday is too far away....

Well, lemme stop rambling. I'm still in the pain-inducing class right now...I just needed to get away for a little while. Back to reality now.

Ka Odi Nu

Dear 2011

You have been an interesting year, for lack of a better word. I deferred putting up a post earlier on because I was just filled with so much negativity.

2011, you started on a wrong note. I don't think I remember ever entering a new year just filled with so much anger and sadness...the worst thing about it? I couldn't explain why I was overreacting to the littlest things that in hindsight, weren't even supposed to warrant so much emotional investment.

Could it be because I was dealing with feelings of continued inferiority, like certain people had previously placed me on this pedestal, this ridiculously high place that I couldn't possibly acheive, and it seemed like they were finally beginning to see the truth?
Could it be because this holiday felt like all the joy had been sucked out of my house?? Who knows.

Anyway, as you progressed it just seemed things got worse...I was witnessing my family starting to disintegrate; the tape hastily placed over the cracks at our seams has slowly been coming off...my parents might as well be married in name only. For the first time I saw my dad have an emotional outburst related to this, and for him to say the things he said...I was amazed. I didn't know what to say, and the worst part is that I didn't know how to explain that I didn't agree with what he was saying (but that's for another post).

I lost some people that I least expected I would, I got increasly depressed, I damaged my relationship for God, and I'm fighting to get it back. I also started doing very bad in school, just because I wasn't working hard; seems like I lost all motivation and drive.

However, you have been surprising me greatly recently...it's like the whole time I was shaking my fist angrily at you, you were working hard undercover and shaking your head at my impatience and stupidity.

I've gone from failing and almost being put on an extended curriculum, to passing all but one class last unti, which just happened to be the most challenging one for me.

I didn't lose my baby cousin, even though we had such a bad scare...we thought he wouldn't live past his 1st birthday.

I've had been randomly walk up to me and pay me compliments and just generally make me feel cherished. Most importantly I've had the importance of making me happy re-impressed upon me. I've had less problems with people, and I'm not so down these days. I'm also in the fight to get right with God again =)

So, even though things aren't completely great on the home front, I'm not as worried anymore...and even though not everything is ideal, I'm not worried. Why? Because, my dear 2011, there's a good track record developing here. The most important lesson you've taught me: to grow up. You've infused some more much needed maturity in me, and you've put a little bit more resilience in me.

So even though I didn't think I would, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm happy I waited to post this. I like our path, and I hope it continue to be exactly this way, with more lessons learned.

Daalu!

P.S Forgive any blunders, typing from my phone...just needed to unburden my mind...will be back soonest =)

Mini Update

Hey everyone!

Sorry I've been away for so long; Been busier than I thought I'd be....actually scratch that, because I haven't been as busy as I ought to be.

I've been reading blogs, just haven't had the energy to comment. I apologize for that.

Truth is, I've been feeling so out of it; I feel very unlike my usual self. It's like I've been in a persistent funk; I know that I have a temper, but these days seems like it's triggered much more easily. My emotions just feel so volatile!
I don't mean to sound so depressing, just been feeling that way, and it's so annoying because I can't explain what the problem is. Hope I get over this self-pity fest soon.

It's not all doom and gloom here though. On the bright side, I'm still not a roadside tomato seller...I haven't aced anything, but I'm no longer failing any classes, and I hope to keep things that way. It's weird though that I was so freaked out about Anatomy and it's turning out to be the class that I'm performing pretty well in. Just goes to show that you never know hey??

I hope to be back in full -and happy - simplegal form soon. To make up for my absence, I'll leave you with my latest ''poem'' (now that I think of it, it's kinda depressing too):

I stand before you
Looking at you
Seeing you looking at me
But I wonder if you see me;
Your forehead is puckered
With a look of concentration
But I still wonder if you see me

What face do your wear today?
I never really can tell
Are you wearing your Rose tinted glasses
That color your world, and me, in flowery shades,
Shades I don't see to be me

Or are you wearing your cracked glasses
That distort your view
magnifying my flaws,
double vision creating false copies
Of what you think be to be

I stand before you
Wondering what runs through your mind
Seeing you look at, and yet through me
Wondering how you do not see
The splintered pices oof my person

And while I watch you
Trying to figure you out
I wish that while you look through me
You would see the repeated thought,
Hear the replaying refrain of my thoughts:

Can you look,
Could you see,
Would you truly let me be?
Do you hear
Do you percieve
The true essence that is
Me?

Like I said, sorry, a bit depressing, hope to be back to happy Simplegal soon.

Ka Odi nu

P.S Forgive any grammatical blunders; tired and typing this from my phone.

Yayyyy!!!!

I passed my anatomy exam! I barely made it over the pass mark, but the most important thing is that I passed =) Thanks for being so supportive y'all!

I still went ahead and got a tutor for both subjects, just to make sure I'm getting all the help I need. I also went to see both professors (well since I failed the other subject I didn't have much of a choice), and we went over the papers and made corrections, and they gave me tips for studying and improving in this current unit.
I felt a little bad though, coz the professor I was assigned to for my failing grade was my advisory dean, and I did the worst in his section (which was actually the easiest section on the test, I just made some REALLY stupid mistakes).

Anyhoos, I just stopped by really quick to update. I have to go play catch up so I can actually have genuine questions to ask my tutor, and not look like a complete DUNCE in anatomy lab tomorrow.

Ka Odi Nu

P.S I've noticed my few posts seem to be centered around school and it's stress...I gotta change this! I'll be updating soon with the story of my adorable Italian crush....